Why are we scared of having feelings?
When I decided to start an Inka Wolf project, I had mixed feelings. I felt like there was so much to share with beloved friends who were frequently visiting @travelwithmaya Instagram but at the same time I wanted to divide Travel with Maya (as a dog-travel blog) from all the thoughts I was having regarding life, love, happiness, adopting a mistreated wolfdog, self-discipline, you name it. I wasn’t sure you’d like it. I wasn’t sure you’d appreciate it. And I wasn’t sure you’d even read it.
This platform isn’t a diary of someone who lives most of the time in the wilderness with wolfdogs. See, we are surrounded by all kinds of people where most of them seem to be “picture-perfect”. We often forget that we are all the same and that we all have fears, doubts, insecurities and flaws. But the more I spoke to people around me the more I realised while some of us are scared to feel something, majority is terrified of revealing those feeling to others.
Why are we scared of having feelings? Why are we in advance so scared of being hurt? Have you ever wondered why some of unpleasant things are happening to you and not to those around you? Or why you always end up in a relationship where you get hurt?
Before I even started thinking of general terms and definitions of society and its fears (which is pointless in the end anyway, we are unique individual beings and all these generalisations truly suck), I digged deep in my own soul.
WE ATTRACT WHAT WE THINK, FEAR, WANT AND DON’T WANT. WE ATTRACT EXACTLY WHAT WE DEVOTE OUR ATTENTION TO… BECAUSE ATTENTION IS ENERGY.
No one likes that work. No one. If anyone tells you they are not afraid of anything or have absolutely no doubts, most probably they just want to believe it and they most certainly avoided uncovering the deepest corners of their soul to find the “dirt”. It hurts finding out we may not be the ideal we picture in our heads. But hey guys, if we don’t face ourselves, no one will do it for us. Therefore we’d end up making the same mistakes over and over again never truly understanding WHY is this or that happening to us.
There were moments when I was ( and still sometimes am) terrified. For many years I believed that being terrified is a weakness, that showing my own insecurities and doubts will make me look unable to handle difficult times in my life. I couldn’t be more wrong but it took me a long journey not only to discover that, but to apply that thinking mechanism to myself. To face that particular existing emotion, accept it and treat it with love.
Cleaning your mind of negative thoughts and fears in general (to begin with) is essential. I will most certainly get back to that in my later posts, however right now I’d love to tell you a short story of Altai who came to my home on June 21st 2017 after almost 5 years he spent in a Rescue Station. It’s a story I haven’t shared to this detail before…It’s a story proving that work on our own mind is effective and in the end pays of great deal.
Most of you already know Altai from the pictures I post on @travelwithmaya. Sweet gorgeous big boy, right? Well, now he is. He was very careful and bit snappy when I took him in. It’s not hard to imagine the horror he must have had in his head. Prior to my adoption he was adopted several times and all these times he was returned back. Sometimes after few weeks, sometimes after two months. In his mind I was just someone who appeared nice to him but he had no clue what I might ask of him and what his position in my family would be.
On the other hand there was me. With my own thoughts, dedication to make it work but at the same time, guys – let’s cut the crap – I felt pressure and I was terrified to let him and myself down. What if he attacks me? He cannot wear a muzzle all the time and he weights almost same as me.. If he attacks, it’s game over for everyone. What if he attacks Maya? That sweet and lovable 2 years old (at that time) wolfdog. What if he won’t be able to learn not to pee and poop in the house? He was never really held in a house for too long and for most of his life he was living in an outdoor large cage. He experienced garden only for the first four years of his life but pretty much after that his hygiene manners were “so so”.
Thoughts were running through my mind like crazy and I decided to pre-plan everything and prepare myself for any scenario. Oh, how silly. I believed I did everything right but the dog kept reacting to me. Growling here and there for “no reason”, being moody as hell, his behaviour was changing frequently. This went on for the first two months and I found myself sitting at the table, head in my hands and I felt lost. What the hell am I doing wrong?
That was the moment when I realised why all his past adoptions failed – this wolfdog is a gift, a pure mirror to human soul and a reflection to everything I was feeling and thinking. He picked up on all my hopes and dreams, but most importantly, he picked up on all my doubts and fears. He reflected my ego and I realised I have a lot of work ahead of me to keep him home.
I wrote down all that was terrifying me in my life. The list wasn’t too long but the issues were damn deep. As much as I loved traveling and exploring new horizons, I was afraid of the unknown. Wtf, right? As much as I loved people, I was afraid of being judged from time to time. Don’t we all feel that sometimes? The more I was writing these issues down, the more I felt confused. It will happen to anyone but trust your gut and write it all down, one fear after another…
After I finished the list I started working on one issue at the time. Accepting it as a part of me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of. I allowed my heart to fully open towards everything around me (doesn’t happen overnight, learning to be patient was killing me) and towards the unknown and guess what.. the ego had no say anymore. And Altai switched his behaviour as fast as he swallows his chicken for dinner.
Why am I telling you all this? Because we live in a society where judging others became an international sport. Because we are exposed to fake perfection and as a result we push ourselves too much and we have hard time forgiving ourselves for being human. For being beautiful in our own way.
I’m 1.66m tall (or should I say short?) and these wolfdogs could most easily snap me up for breakfast. But once they feel that there is no ego in our love towards them, they have no reason to push back…
We are all beautiful inside. And we are all beautiful outside. And I’m damn keen on reminding you of that every single time.
Thank you for being you.
I & M & A